NOSTALGIA!!! I’m not the type of guy who goes around saying that games were always much better when I was a kid. Granted, I’ll still remember my first long grueling playthrough of The Legend of Zelda, but that’s mostly because I was young and had nothing better to do and I simply didn’t know any better. Still, games like The Legend of Zelda did such a good job of carving their pixilated images into the wrinkles of my young impressionable brain, that I find myself randomly pining for the days of repetitive music, choppy animation, and thin plots, and I am the exact demographic that 3D Dot Game Heroes was aiming for.

Saying that 3D Dot Game Heroes rips off Zelda is a bit of an understatement. It would be more accurate to say it shamelessly copies Zelda in every way possible. However, parody is protected from copyright laws, and 3D Dot Game Heroes is certainly parody.

The game takes place in the land of Dotnia, a 2-D world filled with swords and sorcery. An ancient hero has sealed away a great evil with the help of magical orbs, and prosperity has come to the land. The king has declared the kingdom so prosperous that they can afford another dimension! The 2-D world blooms into 3-D, buuuut unfortunately the 2-D world was made of pixels, so the 3-D world is made of the same. Unfortunately, this transition into 3-D has also prompted the great evil to return, and it is up to you, a plucky young adventurer, or shark, or giant penis (OK I am immature) to save the day.

“Giant penis” you may ask? Well yes. Before I even get into the gameplay of 3D Dot Game Heroes, let me say something about the character creator. Because every character in 3D Dot Game Heroes is made out of, well, 3D dots. The game allows you to play with these 3D dots yourself to make your own unique hero of justice. I just so happened to make mine a giant penis. Sue me.

Anyway, the game plays almost exactly like every Zelda game you have ever played. You are sent on quests by NPCs, most of which are completed by a series of dungeon crawls. Along the way you will get items and magic spells which will unlock new areas you previously couldn’t access. Unlike Zelda, 3D Dot Game Heroes does have some RPG elements, allowing you to upgrade your sword in its length, width, strength, swing, and special abilities.

Yes, the main measure of your strength is how big your sword is. If that isn’t a sexual innuendo I don’t know what is. Did I mention my character was a gigantic penis? Anyway, your sword operates much as it did in the original Legend of Zelda, that is, it simply appears in front of you, and if it happens to overlap an enemy they die. When your hearts are full your sword grows huge (hehehe) and you gain a serious advantage in battle. However, when you get hit your sword shrinks to normal size and the old difficulty of NES adventure classics returns in full force.

The story of the game is really just a vehicle for parody. There are numerous references to other classic video games, and the game never takes itself too seriously. It’s a tongue in cheek affair that works quite well for what it is. The music is a bit repetitive but purposefully so, and not enough that it ever gets annoying. It’s a fun adventure and that’s really all it was going for.

If there is any one downfall that 3D Dot Game Heroes has, it’s the vague objectives you are given. They took the nostalgia one step too far in this case. Much like the original Legend of Zelda you spend most of your time wandering around aimlessly unless you use a F.A.Q. or guide. The instructions you are given are minimal to say the least and confusing to say the most. No one will tell you how to get to where you need to go, but they will vaguely point you in that direction. Still, you will find yourself taking many trips to Gamefaqs for this one, even though the game isn’t all that difficult on the whole.

Overall, 3D Dot Game Heroes is just easy to enjoy. It is very retro and I can see people shying away from paying full price for a game that plays a lot like an NES classic, but if you are one of the many people who enjoy some gaming nostalgia every once in a while 3D Dot Game Heroes is the game for you.

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