Armored Review — Good But Not Memorable Except For Grievous Wounding Of Milo Ventimiglia. That Shit Was Awesome!
Armored is a tough nut to crack. I went to see the movie because it promised awesome stunts, shootouts, explosions, and the grievous wounding of Milo “I Ruined Heroes” Ventimiglia. I was totally ready to either praise Armored from on high for its awesome stunt work and special effects, or totally blast it for being a poorly put together showcase of action porn. The thing is, I can’t do either, because while Armored met all my expectations, it met them in a way that really didn’t leave any sort of lasting impression on me … except for the grievous wounding of Milo Ventimiglia. That shit was awesome!
Armored’s first problem is that it is short. It is about 80 minutes, credits included, which makes it one of the shorter movies of our time. Don’t get me wrong, that is exactly the amount of time that was needed to tell Armored’s story, but it still feels like it was over far too soon. I don’t feel gypped but I do feel that the movie doesn’t last long enough for you to really get into the plot.
Speaking of plot, Armored’s plot is good, but formulaic. Columbus Short plays Ty Hackett, a soldier who returns from Iraq to two dead parents, a young brother in need of moral guidance, and tons of bills to pay. He gets some help with his unfortunate financial situation by joining Eagle Shield Security, an armored truck company his father used to work at. Unfortunately, with the state of our economy as it is, Eagle Shield simply isn’t getting enough work to allow Ty to pay the bills. Now, faced with bankruptcy, foreclosure, and the threat of his younger brother Jimmy ending up in foster care, Ty has to find a way to make some money, and fast, or else his entire life will crumble before him.
Enter his godfather, Mike Cochrane, who is played by Matt Dillon. Mike also works at Eagle Shield, and acts as a sort of mentor to Ty. Unfortunately, no one ever told Ty that Mike was one of the bad guys. Mike gathers up, pretty much everyone in the security company, and says that if they all worked together they could pull an inside job and score themselves a cool $42 million. Ty, being a decently good person, asks Mike to promise him that no one gets hurt. Mike agrees. Guess what comes next.
If you guessed someone would get hurt you are correct! Actually, a lot of people get hurt, (some of them hobos, which I admit I found more funny than I should have) and this is where the shooting of Milo Ventimiglia comes in. Ty, unlike is co-workers, is not one of the bad-guys and insists on helping a wounded Milo (obviously he hasn’t seen this season of Heroes). How does he do this? Well, he locks himself inside his armored car along with Milo and the loot, pretty much alerts the cops to everything that is going on, and gets all emo. This turns out to be an unwise plan, because all his accomplices start to panic, and this basically ends up killing most of the cast by the end of the movie. Whoops!
Like I said the plot is formulaic but is done well nonetheless. The inclusion of the Iraq war plot hook, and the failing economy symbolism, and all this wonderful political stuff is obviously a cheap ploy to get us to sympathize with Ty but it works. Columbus Short gives a great performance that really makes us feel like Ty is a normal guy forced to make a bad decision due to desperate times. Matt Dillon also does a good job of making us feel like he too is a good guy, and that he involved Ty truly out of concern, not out of any sort of sadistic malice. The rest of the cast, however…
Baines, Quinn, Dobbs, and Palmer are the rest of this thieving security crew and they are played by Laurence Fishburne, Jean Reno, Skeet Ulrich, and Amaury Nolasco respectively. I can’t say much more about their characters, because there isn’t much more to say. They all act as cookie cutter “bad guy” cut out stereotypes. Fishburne is the loose cannon, Reno is the quiet one, Nolasco is the ex-con falling back on his own ways …. and then there is Skeet Ulrich, who feels like he is playing Skeet Ulrich. You never really get a feeling for why they are helping mike, other than the fact that 42 million dollars is a lot of money, and they, being normal guys like you and me, need it in this failing economy. Once again, it is mostly a cheap way to tug on your heart strings and it works. It doesn’t detract from the movie at all. In fact the story couldn’t work without a band of panicky thieves that screw the whole thing up as soon as something goes wrong.
The action in the movie is great. Director Nimrod Antal, regardless of his funny name, throws all sorts of awesome stuff at us. There are numerous armored car chase scenes, which are just awesome. Half of the effects in this movie were apparently done with real remote controlled vehicles and I could see why! Trucks are falling off cliffs (well not real cliffs… more like ledges), crashing through buildings, making crazy jumps, and ramming in to each other, all while the generous use of explosives burns hundred dollar bill after hundred dollar bill. In fact, in a way, the armored cars are the real stars of this movie, and the stunts they pull off are most of what keeps your eyes clued to the screen. There are some shootouts too, but they are more standoffs than huge gun battles, which fits the serious tone the movie is going for. I, and MacGuyver fans, let’s just say you are going to love the second half of this movie. n fact, it’s the action sequences that make the movie worth watching in the first place, since we all basically know the plot of the movie from the start: “Heist happens, heist goes wrong, paranoia destroys thieves”.
The pacing of Armored could have used some work but overall I couldn’t complain much, because once again the movie is only 80 minutes long. The first half has a lot of exposition … a LOT of exposition. You pretty much know what is going to happen when the entire security team is sitting around, laughing, having drinks, and talking about how many flaws their own armored car service has … in public. You think someone would notice drunken guys who are talking about how easy it is to steal ludicrous amounts of money. Though I could have gotten a bathroom break during the first half of the movie, the second half was certainly edge of your seat material. You spend most of the movie waiting to see who or what is going to screw up next, and who is going to die because of it. You know right from the get go that this isn’t going to turn out well, but you are always interested in “how” it doesn’t turn out well. The chase sequences and shootouts take up a good portion of the movie, which is a shame considering its short running time, but then again they are one of the best parts of the movie, and if the movie lasted any longer it would totally outstay its welcome like a bleeding Milo Ventimiglia.
In all seriousness, Armored is a good movie, just not a very memorable one. It had a mission to spin a simple tale about a heist gone wrong, pull you into it, enhance it with some awesome stunt sequences, and send you home satisfied, and it succeeds in this, but that is about as far as it goes. While Armored was certainly worth the ten bucks I paid to go see it, and I would recommend other action fans to go check it out, it simply doesn’t forge an identity for itself like other heist movies like Reservoir Dogs. I know for a fact that come five years, one year, hell even five months from now, Armored will be nothing but a fading memory in a sea of obscure movies. A goodie that is basically destined to fade into obscurity; Armored is definitely not the worst way you can spend 10 bucks and a Friday night.
(25 votes, average: 2.80 out of 4)
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