Conan the Barbarian Put Arnold on the Map.

Arnold hit the big time in 1982 with “Conan the Barbarian,” starring as the bare-chested, sword slashing fantasy hero in a film based on the dime store action stories by Robert E. Howard and written by Oliver Stone (!). This is what happens: As a small boy, Conan watches as bad guys kill everyone in his village, including his father. Everyone except Conan. Conan becomes a slave, gets trained as a Gladiator, gets really good at killing opponents in the arena, and then gets let loose. And then it’s “I’ll be back” time. Big time! A LOT of ass whupping ensues. The death count is mind blowing.

While the film opens with a frame quoting Nietzsche’s “That which does not kill us makes us stronger,” Conan’s answer to the question “What is best in life?” is the more memorable quote: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

Well put!

And what is the most memorable “action”, moment in the film? Perhaps it’s what is likely the craziest sex scene in non-porn movie history. Well, I guess it’s not a hard –core porn scene, but it’s at least soft-core. While making love (?) to a woman in a cave, Conan freaks when she suddenly turns into a witch at the height of their passion. So what does he do? Of course, he throws her into a fireplace, where she implodes and goes Roman Candle, shooting sparks and flames throughout the cave and woods.

Now that’s what you call a Money Shot!

Arnold the Destroyer

Conan the Destroyer was a follow-up to 1982’s Conan the Barbarian which is best known as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s breakout movie. In addition to Wilt and Arnold, the second film features two other noteworthy non-actors, freakazoid “singer” Grace Jones and pro wrestling legend Andre the Giant.

Compared to the first Conan film, which was a bloodbath, the sequel is pretty kid-friendly and at times kind of funny, but it doesn’t rate all that high on the action meter. In short, the plot involves an evil queen asking Conan and Wilt to go find her missing magic horn. If they do, the queen will bring Conan’s girly back to life. But here’s the kicker: The magic horn can only be touched by the queen’s beautiful tweenage niece (played by 13-year-old Olivia d’Abo). And unless the niece comes back a virgin, the deal’s off. And while his autobiography hadn’t yet come out, we’re still talking about Wilt, right? Right! Naturally, he splits with the girl!

This betrayal leads to the film’s only notable action scene, in which Wilt and Arnold square off. Perhaps Wilt agreed to appear in the movie because Arnold, another (sort of) former sports figure, promised to be a suitably athletic opponent. Nah. While their fight scene provides easily the best action in the film, what it shows most clearly is that Wilt, even in retirement, is still an utterly amazing athlete. Compared to Wilt’s deft moves, Arnold’s maneuvers come across as clumsy and plodding.

The other thing this and other scenes prove is that Arnold isn’t even close to being the six foot two that he claims to be. Both Wilt and Andre absolutely tower over him. Indeed, while Schwarzenegger is undeniably a giant among action stars, I know from first-hand observation that his actual height is not much above average. As it happens, I once stood next to Arnold at a Lakers game. I’m six foot one. Arnold is about 5 foot 11.

Bonus Clips: Arnold in NY

There’s not a lot of action in this clip but it’s just too good to pass up, Arnold’s first film, Hercules in New York.

Related posts on 30ninjas.com:

• The New Conan Has Been Cast
• Conan Characters Revealed
• Dunkers in Clunkers
• Arnold Is Hamlet
• Creating Arnold
• Trailer — Conan The Barbarian