Kratos VS Leonidas: Battle of the Spartan Warriors

Posted on: April 20th, 2010 by Max Tedaldi 2 Comments

To decide once and for all who is heir to the 30 Ninjas throne of destruction and mayhem, Angelo and Max are picking two comparable items each week (within the realms of video-games and movies) and duking it out for bragging rights. Got something you’d like to see on Versus? Let us know in the comment section.

Week 11: God of War‘s Kratos VS 300‘s Leonidas

Kratos by Angelo

Who He Is

Here you now readers of 30ninjas! Do you not see that Kratos is the true God of war? Kratos was a soldier in Sparta who enjoyed murdering people, setting civilizations ablaze, and long walks on the beach whilst murdering people and setting civilizations ablaze. However, in an epic battle against a fierce barbarian warrior, Kratos started losing. Well screw that, Kratos is a protagonist! He sells his soul to Ares and gets funky chain swords that let him stunt in all sorts of cool ways. Of course then Ares makes him kill his family for … no reason actually, and this pisses him off quite a bit, and when Kratos gets pissed off, people die.

What He Does

Kratos kills people but good, and that’s about it. He starts by killing Ares and taking over his throne as god of war. Then, he turned out to be a little too good at his job, so Zeus kills him and he fights his way out of the underworld (actually this is the second time he’s done that) to kill the fates and stab Zeus but good. Unfortunately, he accidentally stabs Athena instead, so he releases the Titans, kills everyone else in Greek mythology as well as the titans, finally stabs Zeus, and then destroys the world before killing himself. Long story short, he kills people. This is a man that is so hardcore that after killing everyone and everything on the planet, he ended up killing himself, just to have another person to kill.

Why He Wins

There is no one Kratos hasn’t killed or had sex with, or killed after having sex with them. No one. Since Kratos doesn’t look like he will be having sex with King Leonidas any time soon, I guess the only other option is death. Oh, and death will come, it will come. 300 was the story of the most epic failure in history. It was epic, but it was still a failure. 300 Spartans all fought valiantly and fended off troops in far greater numbers than themselves, but, they eventually fell. That’s the story. Kratos fought valiantly and destroyed EVERYONE IN THE ANCIENT GREEK WORLD. He won! He killed everyone. The God of War movie should be named 1.

Leonidas by Max

Who He Is

King Leonidas is the Spartan king of myth who led his meager force of 300 men in the battle of Thermopylae. Leonidas was raised from birth to be a warrior king and he does not disappoint. To be fair, in 300 Leonidas is light on the king part and heavy on warrior part of that title. Leonidas was supposedly a descendant of Hercules and for those of you who have seen the movie this is not that hard to believe. The guy is more ripped than a late 90′s mp3 on napster. He also has a beard that would make even the most burley of lumberjacks jealous.

What He Does

Leonidas doesn’t take any shit from anybody. A Persian messenger asks for his subservience to the supposed “demi-god” Xerxes, and how does Leonidas respond? “This is Sparta!” followed by a brutal kick down a well. The oracles don’t want him to go to war? Leonidas says fuck that I am a free man and I will remain a free man and my people will remain free men. Also, I’m going to kill hundreds of thousands of you in the process with my army of 300. Leonidas leads his personal guard on a suicide mission just to send the message that the people of Sparta will bow to no one but the king of Sparta. Even when he does eventually bow down to Xerxes it is only to get a good look at spearing him through the skull. Leonidas rules, leads, fights, dominates, grows gorgeous facial hair, and slays both Persians and a smoking hot Lena Headley.

Why He Wins

Leonidas wins because this shit actually happened! In 480BC the Spartan allied forces numbering around 7,000 held off a Persian army, said to be in the hundreds of thousands at the “Hot Gates” of Thermopylae. After being betrayed by one of his own as to the whereabouts of a secret path that would allow the Persians to flank the unflappable Spartans, Leonidas dismissed all but 300 off his men to hold his last stand. Who knows if these men were as ripped and bearded as the men of the movie 300, but at the very least they were as unafraid of their own deaths. Just the thought that a king could exist who would not only lead his men at the front lines of battle, but also kick messengers into bottomless pits is enough to get me excited about Greek history. Six years of Latin during my childhood and Leonidas and the Battle of Thermopylae makes it all worth while. Or at least not a total waste of time. I did fine on my SATs OK!!!

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2 Responses

  1. Muckal says:

    the only one who wins is wolverine… he´s fucking indestructible…

    na, just a joke…
    i think kratos would win, because hes a dammed GOD and leonidas… hes a man… who can die…

  2. Luca says:

    kratos destroyed the whole persian army alone, while leonidas couldn’t do that with 299 other men. of course kratos wins

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