We always wondered about Darth Vader’s heavy breathing, but a couple of small-town cops recently mounted a sting operation to bust the man in the black get-up for some decidedly pervy moonlighting: shooting a porn film. Remember David Prowse? Of course you don’t. He was the man in the helmet and cape while James Earl Jones was lending his velvety voice to … oooooh … Darth Vader! Yes, the Lord of the Sith is back in the news once again, as a porn star! OK, not actually a porn star, but pretty damn close.

You see, a couple people in Newhall, Staffordshire, saw expensive filming equipment being brought into a local bungalow, and the crew was being kind of hush hush about the whole thing. Well, the locals put two and two together and came up with: porno! Afraid that their quiet town was going to be tainted by the stank of Sithian sex, they ratted out the film crew to the local police, who quickly developed a sting operation to bust the smutty set-up. The full story is here.

As the raid went down, the police found themselves breaking into the film set for The Kindness of Strangers, a Deborah Hadfield production starring David Prowse and set to air at next year’s Cannes Film Festival. Not only were the police wrong, but according to one crew member the cops were “quite disappointed” that the whole thing wasn’t a porn in the making … or was it? It turns out that there isn’t a whole lot of credible information on the Net about Hadfield’s new movie. So is it possible that there was indeed some ugly-bumping going on and this film was just a cover?

Who cares! The important thing is, we’ve gotten an awesome idea! A porno starring the original Darth Vader? How awesome would that be! That got our minds wandering about what other classic action films would have been awesome (or awesomely hilarious) porn flicks!

The Matrix

There are only two good things on the Internet: porn and our website, which conveniently enough is now talking about porn. We didn’t see any mention of 30 Ninjas in The Matrix, so there should have been way more porn! If the entire world as we know it were just one large computer network constantly feeding an illusion directly into our brains, then all males should have been plumbers going around to “clean the pipes” of the female population. Our robot overlords obviously have no idea what computers are actually used for. Now Terminator, they got it right. Every Terminator was either an Olympic bodybuilder or a hottie with control of her ta-ta size … or, in the latest iteration, an aquatic eel robot … for the freaky people.

Die Hard

Maybe this just goes to show how immature we are, but the title of this movie makes us think of a porno involving necrophilia. Come on! Die … Hard! OK, so maybe that is a bit of a stretch, but it’s almost like they were asking for it with sequel titles like Die Harder. Personally, we are astounded why there isn’t more hardcore action porno. Who wouldn’t be aroused by a massive fireball in the sky?

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

A while back there was a viral video that went around showing a porno adaptation of a generic Hong Kong action flick, and it was hilarious. We can’t show you it here for, well, obvious reasons, but rest assured it had people running up walls, over tree tops, even underground, all while naked. The moment of truth (yes, I’m talking about the big O) was almost anime-like in its exaggerated nature, and was more like a cannon than anything sensual. Add something like this to the obvious puns you can make out of a title like Couching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and you see where we are going with this.

The Fast and the Furious

How Vin Diesel would act in a porno was also a popular meme a while back, and it was hilarious. The Fast and the Furious has this, and a successful title pun under its belt (heh heh, under its belt). Although we find it hard to believe a porno could be made about a driver who is very quick to blow his load. (Suggested title: Came in 30 Seconds.) This is why Speed never had a porno version. Then again, we are fairly sure there is some sort of smutty Fast and Furious porno rendition out there, so the morbidly curious can search for it themselves. Hey, it might actually have a better plot than this franchise’s latest iteration.

Scarface

Oh just look at the symptoms for this one! The guys name is Tony Montana. That’s practically a porn star name right there. Besides, given how influential he is, he is almost like the Huge Hefner of the crime world. He even has that mysterious, almost fake-sounding Latino accent that the ladies just go wild for. Cue the porn music, this guy’s on a rampage.

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