How To Monologue Like a Villain

Share on Facebook posted 03-31-10 by Max Tedaldi

Put down your sword of justice, cast aside your mythril armor, and most importantly abandon your strict moral code that reeks of noobdom and ignorance!

Let’s face it, being a villain is so much more fun than being hero. A hero may get to fight for honor and save the damsel in distress, but it’s the villain who gets to kill as much as he wants, plunder as much as he wants and pretty much do whatever he wants. As long as there is some lecherous goal in mind, who cares how many people get hurt.

But being a villain isn’t as easy as it looks. Sure you get to dole out strict, torturous punishments on a whim, and take on idealistic weenies who deserve to have their brand of simple ethics crapped on with evil agonizing abandon, but that’s not what it’s all about. To be a truly great/horrible/intimidating/worthy/despicable villain you need to let everyone know, particularly your “heroic” adversary, exactly what’s on your mind. Who cares if you’re going to nuke another country? The real question is why. It’s a question of agency, and a great villain is only as good as his motives. And what better way is there to share your motives than a well rehearsed and impeccably delivered monologue. Sure you may run the risk of waxing philosophic for too long but that risk is well worth the pay off.

Don’t think you’ve got what it takes to spout flowing pernicious prose that will make your enemies tremble in fear? Think you can’t cut the mustard to make even the most gallant of heroes wet himself. Have no fear! Here at 30ninjas we empathize with your plight and have assembled the following how-to guide that will have you monologuing in no time. So whip out the notebook and prepare for a lesson in villainy.

Don’t Let the Past Get You Down

Marsellus Wallace, Pulp Fiction

Marsellus Wallace may have just been sexually a**aulted by the hill-billy redneck rapist Zed but he doesn’t dwell on the past. He takes the crappy hand that was dealt to him and chooses to focus on the things that he can actually control. His willingness to look beyond Butch’s (Bruce Willis) former indiscretions and focus on the task at hand is honorable. It is almost as if being physically and sexually humiliated has put everything into razor sharp focus for ol’ Marsellus, and now he knows exactly what he has to do. He’s going to go to work on the homes with a pair of pliers and a blow torch! Chilling.

Be True to Yourself

Agent Smith The Matrix

Agent Smith: “I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague and we are the cure.”

Take a cue from Agent Smith in The Matrix. He doesn’t follow the accepted path of an agent, he forges his own path. He harbors a deep resentment towards all humans and he isn’t afraid to give a triumphant “fuck you” to the man . . . errr. . . machine. He ignores his master and his minions, and says exactly was he is feeling and makes no apologies for it. Maybe this is why Agent Smith becomes the main villain in the subsequent sequels?

Get Creepy

The Joker The Dark Knight

Who says that you shouldn’t share the darkest recesses of you sordid past with strangers? There is no better way to strike terror into the hearts of your audience than using the forum a monologue affords to get your strange on. Got a weird and violent relationship with your father? Preach! Got some scars you would like everyone to see and perhaps lick? Go for it! When it comes to villain monologues the more disturbing you are the more memorable you will be.

Captivate Your Audience

Bill, Kill Bill

Don’t be afraid to put the captive in captivating. If you are willing put time and thought into a speech the likes of which Cicero himself would be jealous of, you better make sure that it doesn’t fall on deaf ears. A speech is useless without someone to listen so take control of the situation. If no one wants to listen, make them listen! This could potentially mean shooting your lover in the leg with a tranquilizer so they are forced to listen to your opinions about your favorite comic book hero. Who says chivalry is dead?

Throw Yourself a Parade

Bill the Butcher Gangs of New York

Just how sweet are you?

You know that you’re the cock of the walk. You know that if anyone tried to defeat you they would meet their end in a gruesome, bloody mash of sinew and ground up bone fragments. You are number one. Everyone should know this, and what better way to show off your vast superiority than to regale your audience with the tale of your most triumphant victory. As a villain, this gives your nefarious deeds scope. It gives your audience a sense of relativity in a world fraught with imitation evil-doers. Bonus points if you can do this with an American flag wrapped around your body.

Don’t Get Caught Up in the Moment

Ozymandias The Watchmen

Ozymandias: “I’m not a comic book villain. Do you seriously think I would explain my master stroke to you if there were even the slightest possibility you could affect the outcome? I triggered it 35 minutes ago.”

As amazing as it is to listen to the brilliance erupting from your own mouth, you must resist the temptation to spend too much time reveling in your own glory. Or, if you want to relax during your monologue take a hint from The Watchmen‘s Ozymandias and make sure that your rival has no chance of spoiling your brilliant plan. It’s frustrating to watch villain after villain get caught up in the moment and essentially sabotage their own plans. Don’t be that guy. Take care of business and then you can tell everyone how inventive you were from the beginning after it’s all said and done.