It Doesn’t Make a Bit of Difference Guys, The Balls Are Inert
Dragonball Evolution … where do I begin? Well… ok, I’ll start by saying this doesn’t have a damn thing to do with the Dragonball series of anime. You see, Dragonball is one of those childhood staples every anime fan has. Everyone remembers waking up at an absurd time to turn on channel 11 and hope that you can catch an episode of Dragon Ball before school, and the funny thing was, it was BAD, and I mean really really REALLY bad. The whole plot revolved around a strange boy with a monkey’s tail who for some reason was far more powerful than anyone else on the face of the planet. Then that monkey boy grew up become a powerful fighter who defended the earth from aliens or some crap by flinging energy balls all over the place. Like I said… it was BAD and somehow SOMEHOW they managed to take a bad idea and make it even worse.
Now that, that is a famous video made by comedy master Kajetoukun, showcasing how bad scenes from Dragonball (or in the case Dragonball Z) really are… but I’m getting off topic. You see Dragonball: Evolution supposedly takes place early in the dragon ball timeline when Piccolo (that green guy you see in the video) was still evil and Goku, the main character was still a child. However… if we were to really synch up what is left of the murdered Dragonball plotline, Goku would have been a child no more than five years old. In the movie, he is in highschool. Chi-chi, his girlfriend was a miniature Amazon who was the daughter of a mountain king. In evolution, she is a hottie who secretly practices kung-fu. Krillin, was a temple monk who trained alongside Goku, who was his best friend, and was featured prominently throughout the series. In the movie KRILLIN DOESN’T EVEN EXIST!
The movie only has a vague and passing resemblance to the original plot it was based on, which under normal circumstances would be a good thing. You see, Dragonball was kind of a goofy storyline, and there were a LOT of areas that could have used some improvement. However, the movie seems to be retaining all of the worst parts of the series and getting rid of anything that was cool. The fight choreography, the characterization of Goku and his origin, the interactions that Goku and Krillin had with the (albeit somewhat goofily expressed) world’s governments, the eventual conflict with the red ribbon army and the androids, all of this is taken out for the sake of emo haired stars and gunplay… and on that note WHO USES A GUN IN THE DRAGONBALL UNIVERSE! The guys are so powerful they can punch bullets in half for pete’s sake! It almost makes me yearn for the horrible animated fights of day’s past.
Perhaps the most depressing thing about Dragonball: Evolution is that it was written and directed by James Wong. Yes, that’s James Wong, the same guy who did The X Files, Final Destination, The One, 21 Jump Street, and much much more. The guy is a classic, and I’ve loved his work in the past. I now stand here looking at DB:E and say… Why? Unfortunately the answer doesn’t come. Stay tuned though as we look deeper into Dragonball: Evolution’s production and see if maybe, somewhere, somehow, this movie can appeal to someone.
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