Legion VS. The Tooth Fairy: Gosh Darn It! Which One Should You See???!!!
There are two big action hits opening this weekend:Legion, the controversial look at a biblical apocalypse, and The Tooth Fairy, which is about a hockey star being forced to serve as a tooth fairy to make up for all those teeth he knocked out. So, on one hand we have epic wars between angels and demons, and on the other hand we have The Tooth Fairy. Seems like these movies couldn’t be more diffierent and it’s a no-brainer, right? Well, wait right there! We’ve really compared the two movies and realized that they have more in common than you would think, and that the question of which movie to go see is not an easy one to answer. Let us walk you through our reasoning:
The Movie Stars …
Legion: Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Tyrese Gibson, Jon Tenney, Charles S. Dutton, Lucas Black, Kate Walsh, Doug Jones, Adrianne Palicki, Kevin Durand, Willa Holland
Legion is known for its all star cast. Hell, you could stop at Paul Bettany and Dennis Quaid and we would be impressed. However, the movie goes far beyond that, and includes spectacular talent in deep an interesting roles. Paul Bettany’s portrayal of the archangel Michael and his conflict with the angel Gabriel as played by Kevin Durand will shift god’s relationship with his creations into a new perspective, and the rest of the cast does a phenomenal job of portraying the true terror a person would face in a biblical apocalypse. Even though the roles they were given were of the human cattle in a divine slaughterhouse, they certainly made it seem believable.
The Tooth Fairy: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
The Tooth Fairy has Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who is best known for being Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Though he no longer wrestles and he actually prefers not to be called “The Rock” anymore (he wants to be taken seriously as an actor) we can’t help but remember the old days of the people’s elbow and the rock bottom. We smelled what the Rock is cooking and he is cooking intimidation, and that is exactly what he is cooking in this movie. His role was to play a brutish hockey player stuck in a child like fantasy and he pulls it off with macho perfection. OOOOH YEEEEAH! Oh wait, that was Randy ”Macho Man” Savage.
This Story Is About…
Legion: The Coming Apocalypse
Legion forces its viewers to think of the world in a different and slightly disturbing way. This is a world where not only has there been conclusive undeniable proof that God exists, but also conclusive undeniable proof that he hates all of us. Legion tells the tale of an extermination, of God basically giving up on the human race and sending his army to wipe them form existence. Of course, god works in mysterious ways, and perhaps the only hope for humanity lies in a waitress and her unborn child. Of course, it will take a whole lot of fighting, and guns, and explosions to allow for that hope to survive.
The Tooth Fairy: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has to get a job as The Tooth Fairy?!? Get the hell out of here! He has been a bad bad man and has been ruining the dreams of children everywhere through his self centered jackassery. Now, the only way to teach him a lesson, is to put him in one of the most compromising and feminine positions in the world. Seriously, not only does the movie feature Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson playing hockey, but it also features him flying and casing magic. Comedy ensues when someone as crazy manly as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has to do things as girly as flying on fairy wings and waving around a magic wand. It’s hilarious guys. It’s a guy, in a fairy costume! How can you beat that!
The World’s Only Hope Is…
Legion: An Unborn Holy Savior of the Human Race
In a way, this movie stresses that even in the face of overwhelming adversity, the human race can survive. It is not violence, but innocence that holds hope for our future. It is a beautiful message even if a bit clichéd. We don’t particularly know what the significance of the baby is, but we certainly do see some parallels between the story of the immaculate conception. Now we aren’t saying that this movie features the next coming of Jesus, but we are saying it is food for thought. If that were the case, it would be a case of God attempting to kill his own offspring. Kind of sick, but if you look at the atrocities of the old testament it is totally in character. Really makes you think about the nature of deity and the relationship an all powerful being could have with imperfect beings such as us. More importantly, it makes you think long and hard about the spark of the divine that is supposed to be in each of us. If the world’s only hope is truly a child, then perhaps our very lives are simply a struggle to fight against corruption and loss of innocence.
The Tooth Fairy: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
It takes a man’s man to fulfill the duties of a tooth fairy. What, with his ultimate kit of tooth fairy gadgets supplied by none other than Billy Crystal, this guy is invincible. He can go invisible, erase people’s memories, shrink, scare cats, and do all sorts of things. He is like a one man walking super spy! Tooth terrorists watch out! This guy has got it going on, and once he uses his tooth fairy magic on the ice, there is no telling what awesomeness will go down. Look out, because this is the baddest tooth fairy you have ever seen. This, is Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
The Main Reason To See This Movie Is…
Legion: Heart pounding action sequences coupled with a unique take on biblical lore
Even if you aren’t the sort of theological philosophical deep thinker that could look into Legions deeper messages, there is still quite a bit to see here. There are tons of explosions, crazy CGI special effects, amazing choreographed fight sequences featuring melee weapons, hand to hand combat, and gunplay, and much much more. This is a war we are talking about, a war fought on a scale you couldn’t possibly believe. We will get to see angels fighting alongside tanks. We will get to see stunt driving. We will get to see all sorts of snappy one liners come from Michael’s mouth. All in all, you can go to see Legion if you are in to the biblical side of things, or if you are just in it for the action porn. It is sure to satisfy you either way.
The Tooth Fairy: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Did we mention that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is in this movie? Come on! Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
And the Winner Is …
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson!
When all is said and done, you still can’t get much better than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. It’s Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson! He is like the key to making any movie good. You know what would have made Legion a better movie? If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was in it. You know what would have made Fast and Furious a better movie? If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was in it. You know what would have made Amélie a better movie? If Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was in it. Do yourself a favor and Join the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson fan club, and go to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s book signings, and see every one of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s movies. If you won’t, he will beat the shit out of you. Finally, The Rock, has come back, to the big screen!
*cough* this is a joke *cough* go see Legion *cough*
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