September Movies – Horror
If the hot days of summer have left you wanting chills down your spine… OK, no, that was the corniest thing I ever wrote, let’s try this again. September is a great month for horror movies. In fact if you are the type of action fan that enjoys seeing people slaughtered by aliens, ghosts, or axe-murderers, then September is the month for you. Oddly enough, you would think that October, the month that is pretty well known for Halloween and all the horror that comes with it would be the month to really push horror movie releases, but it appears as if September actually has more thrillers and flat out horrors than October will. So celebrate your Halloween a little early with these gems.
Carriers – Coming September 4th
Great…. I’m already a hypochondriac and now I have to worry about a virus destroying the entire human race. That’s just wonderful. This is a movie about the apocalypse, in viral form. Chris Pine and Piper Perabo play friends in a group that is just trying to survive the viral apocalypse. Unfortunately, it turns out that paranoia and fear are the worst diseases mankind could possibly catch, and soon the greatest dangers to the human survivors are themselves. This movie is just about a zombie movie, considering it appears that this virus is stupidly infectious and causes people to look like walking corpses, but zombies haven’t actually been confirmed to be a part of this movie. So trade in your fear of the walking dead for a healthy fear of germs.
Sorority Row – Coming September 11th
Do you love those movies where you get to see girls in skimpy clothing running away from psycho murderers? I do! That is why I am going to see Sorority Row, which is about girls in skimpy clothing running away from psycho murderers and nothing else! Supposedly there is a plot about a sorority accidentally killing a member and hiding the evidence and blah blah blah… read my lips! Girls… in skimpy clothing… running away… from psycho murderers. Hot!
Whiteout – Coming September 11th
Although I kind of hoped this movie was about a killer who murders his victims with office supplies, it is apparently about the world’s first murder in the arctic. I’ll take that. It’s kind of hard to murder someone in a place with no static population. Also you have to be a real dick to do it too. You would have to get several scientific degrees just to get a job in the arctic in the first place. Any murderer who does that much just to kill some people is one diligent psychopath.
Pandorum – Coming September 25th
A Pandorum, you have the vaguest plot ever. According to official sites, this movie is about two amnesiacs who wake up on a spacecraft, and then monsters happen. That is about all we got. The good news is that Pandorum is being brought to you by the same team that brought you Resident Evil, and although Resident Evil was another in a long line of video game interpretation movies, it was a decent scare for anyone who hadn’t played the games before.
Jennifer’s Body – Coming September 18th
Speaking of sex, if Sorority Row was a bit too campy for you than Jennifer’s Body is bound to have you screaming in fear. The setup is simple. The hot girl in school is actually a demon (I knew it!) and she systematically seduces macho assholes and then eats them. Wait… why is this a horrible thing? Geez let Megan Fox go about her business of eating the macho pig heads out there. I’ll be perfectly safe with my debate team and Dungeons and Dragons!
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