Stocking the Armory

Share on Facebook posted 07-29-09 by craigmacnee

Movies provide a unique opportunity for viewers to vicariously wield fantastical and destructive weapons, causing more carnage than most people in the real world would deem socially acceptable.

So let’s take a moment to stock our armory with the most imaginative and deadly fictional weapons ever created for the movies.

Ripley’s Marine Gun/Flamethrower Combo: Alien

Light, self-contained, and capable of coating enemies with a napalm-like incendiary gel, the M240 flamethrower was a pretty serious weapon; especially when gaffer-taped to an M41-A pulse rifle.

Don’t try this at home. Don’t try this at home. Don’t try this at home.

I’ve said it three times now, so you can’t sue me.

Don’t try this in a work environment either. Or at a barbecue, for that matter. Just don’t try it. Period. Nobody will get hurt. Nobody will get sued. Everybody lives happily ever after.

Mechanized Spiders: Minority Report

These things were terrifying but very effective. They would certainly make playing hide-and-seek with your six-year-old niece a whole lot easier.

Smart Disc: Predator 2

Like a Frisbee. Except you can’t use it to play catch with your dog in the park.

The Glaive: Krull

This is about the geekiest-sounding weapon in the history of movie weaponry. Usually a glaive consists of a single-edged blade on the end of a pole, similar to the Japanese naginata and the Chinese guandao. However, on the planet Krull, the glaive is a five-bladed flick-knife that operates approximately like a flying, remote-control circular saw.

Cobra Assault Cannon: Robocop

All I have to say is … I like it!

The Crotch Gun: From Dusk Till Dawn

When you want to get your sleaze on but still pack some heat, this the gun for you.

Proton Packs: Ghostbusters

Dr. Peter Venkman: “Each of us is wearing an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back.”

I’m not really sure what that means … but it’s probably pretty powerful.

Phaser: Star Trek

It may look and sound a bit wimpy, but any weapon that you can “set to kill” is pretty bad-ass.

Wolverine Claws: X-Men Franchise

Effective for both combat and dicing vegetables … which makes it perfect for an entry in one of those shop-mall catalogs you get on planes. Just remember to disable those claws before heading to the men’s room.

Lightsaber/Duel Lightsaber: Star Wars Franchise

An inevitable addition to this list. Here’s a lightsaber montage that demonstrates the handiness of this old standby.

Or you can build your own:

Golden Gun: The Man with the Golden Gun

It’s like a Swiss Army gun.

To avoid detection, the gun separates into a gold cigarette lighter, a gold cigarette case, a gold cuff link, and a gold pen. The pen operates as the barrel, the lighter creates the bullet chamber, the cuff link is used as the trigger, and the cigarette case forms the butt of the gun.

Oh … and it kills with just a single shot! What’s the point of having a license to kill if you’re not going to make good use of it?

Machine Gun Leg: Planet Terror

Now I know why the TSA makes you take your shoes off when going through security.

Chainsaw and Sawn-Off Shotgun Combo: Evil Dead II

I’m not sure this is going to take off as the prosthetic of choice for amputees … unless, of course, they’re also dedicated lumberjacks.

Wrong Cup: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Could be good for beer pong — if you lose, you rapidly age until you die. Kind of ups the stakes.

Also: I’m not sure how Spielberg managed to get away with making this a PG-13. It’s pretty terrifying.

Your turn: What would you tuck into your “Neo” trench coat of fictional movie-weapon destruction? Which superb movie weapons should we be flagellated for leaving off this list?