Screw the Academy! Put enough people in a room together and you can crank out awards nominations in a couple minutes. We here at 30 ninjas have spent hours and hours making lists, arguing, and whipping throwing stars and jelly donuts at each other to even start on our list. However, all the pain and effort produces a type of award that is not only more prestigious and higher quality, but also filled with a higher density of dick jokes than the Oscars, and that is saying a lot, because that little gold bald guy is pretty damn phallic.

Here’s our criteria:

1. Movies are required to have at least one three-minute action sequence in it. Yes, Precious was mind-altering and Julie and Julia was adorable, but honestly, we don’t give a shit. For a movie to make this list, it’s got to send happy chemicals to the parts of our brains that love eyeball-searing explosions and inspired fight scenes intertwined with crackling good stories. Besides three minutes of action is not a whole lot to ask for. Pride and Prejudice has three minutes of action … after the zombies are added, that is.
2. We’re only addressing movies (and two Anime series, because it’s our Awards and we can do what we want NYEH!!!). Yes, the Ninjas are obsessed with gaming, extreme sports and MMA, but we think that each group deserves its very own list. So later in the year we’ll be bringing you our awards for gaming, extreme sports, and fighting (MMA and otherwise).
3. We want you to help us choose which movies should win, so every day for the next month we are going to roll out articles debating the pros and cons of each category nominee and ask you to comment, telling us which nominees should win, who we forgot, and generally helping us make these awards the most awesome on the planet. If you can successfully argue a write-in candidate up to award status, then we might just send you a cookie. No really, we might just do that.

Well that’s enough of that. Here’s the drunkenly assembled list of nominees. Imagine Billy Crystal is reading them to you, it will enhance the experience:

The “Get to De Choppa!” Award for Best Action Hero

Brad Pitt, Aldo Raine, Inglorious Basterds
Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes
Jason Statham, Chev Chelios, Crank
Sam Worthington, Jake Sulley, Avatar
Woody Harrelson, Tallahassee, Zombieland

The “Holy Minor Role Batman!” Award for Best Side-Kick

Jude Law, Watson, Sherlock Holmes
Zachary Quinto, Spock, Star Trek
Sam Worthington, Marcus Wright, Terminator: Salvation
Eli Roth, Donny Donowitz (The Bear Jew), Inglorious Basterds
Jesse Eisenberg, Columbus, Zombieland

The “I Like Her For Her Personality” Award for Best Action Heroine

Malin Akerman, The Silk Specter, Watchmen
Zoe Saldana, Neytiri, Avatar
Moon Bloodgood, Blair Williams, Terminator Salvation
Jennifer Connelly, 7, 9
Ayelet Zurer, Vittoria Vetra, Angels & Demons

The Award for Best Rat-Faced Peace of Shit Asshole Son of a Motherfu-… I Mean Best Villain

Kevin Chen, The Machine, 9
Matthew Goode, Ozymandias, Watchmen
Frank Langella, Mr. Steward, The Box
Chirstoph Waltz, Hans Landa, Inglorious Basterds
Stephen Lang, Colonel Miles Quaritch Avatar

The Beer Goggles Award for Best Costumes/Makeup

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Watchmen
Avatar
Wolverine
District 9

The “Audience Is Now Deaf” Award for Best Audio Effects

Terminator Salvation
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
District 9
Star Trek
The Fourth Kind

The Big Fucking Fireball Award for Best VFX

Watchmen
Avatar
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
2012
District 9

The Bigger Fucking Fireball Award for Best Explosions

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Wolverine
Angels & Demons
Armored

Best WTF Moment

Crank: High Voltage (The Ending)
District 9 (The Pig Cannon Scene)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (The T-1000 Logo on Alice)
Avatar (Giant Robot Knife Fight)
Antichrist (Female Mutilation)

The Book Was Better Award For Most Disappointing

The Road
Dragonball Evolution
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
The Fourth Kind
Pandorum

The Best Film That You Really Should Have Seen But Didn’t Because You Buy In To All This Hollywood Hype And Don’t Really Know A Good Movie When It Bites You On The Ass

Hurt Locker
Black Dynamite
Red Cliff
9
The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

The Uwe Boll Award For Stupidest Movie … Period

Dragonball Evolution
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li
Bruno
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
G-Force

The HADOUKEN Award for Best Street Fights (Get It?)

Ninja Assasin
Inglourious Basterds
Street Fighter – The Legend of Chun-Li
Taken
Fighting

Most Holy Shit Worthy

Taken
Inglourious Basterds
Law Abiding Citizen
Fighting
Gamer

The Run Over By An Eighteen Wheeler Driven By The Incredible Hulk Award for Most Creative Death

Watchmen, Atomic Deconstruction
Gamer, Participating in a Live Action First Person Shooter
Law Abiding Citizen Burying a Guy With Oxygen
Saw VI, Pierced By a Hydrofluoric Acid Spike Fence
The Final Destination, Disemboweled Through Your Ass in a Swimming Pool

The “He’s Standing Right Behind You” Award for Best Horror

Drag Me to Hell
Halloween II
Friday the 13th
Antichrist
Paranormal Activity

The Beam Me Up Award For Best Sci-fi

Surrogates
Star Trek
Terminator
District 9
Avatar

The D20 Award for Best Fantasy

Uh…
Uhmmmm…
Er…
Ahh…
Hmmmm…
(OK, honestly, we are at a bit of a loss here. We had plenty of super hero movies, and horrors, and sci-fi’s, but not a whole lot of fantasy. We have to wonder, where have all the swords and sorcery gone? If you have any nominees we would love to hear them!)

Best Action … Screw You Action Isn’t Supposed to Be Funny

Zombieland
Black Dynamite
2012
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Ninja Assasin

The Otaku Award For Best Animation

Darker than Black Gemini of the Meteor
Hetalia Axis Powers
Ponyo
9
Up

Shut Yo Mouth, I’m Just Talkin Bout The Baddest Mothafucka Award

Liam Neeson, Bryan Mills, Taken
Michael Jai White, Black Dynamite, Black Dynamite
Eli Roth, Donny Donowitz (The Bear Jew), Inglorious Basterds
Hugh Jackman, Wolverine, X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Steven Lang, Colonel Miles Quaritch, Avatar

The “Kill You 10 Times Before You hit The Ground Award” for Best Ninja

Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool, X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Tony Jaa, Tien, Ong Bak 2
Mitsuki Saiga, Mina Hazuki, Darker Than Black: Gemini of the Meteor
Ray Park, Snake Eyes, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Rain, Raizo, Ninja Assasin

The Coveted Golden Grenade For Best Overall Action Film

District 9
Hurt Locker
Star Trek
Avatar
Taken
Sherlock Holmes

Love This List? Think We Are Full Of (Insert Insult Here)? Let Us Know In The Comments!

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