The Top Ten WTF Movie Moments of 2009 (5 – 1) » 30ninjas

The Top Ten WTF Movie Moments of 2009 (5 – 1)

Share on Facebook posted 01-15-10 by Angelo D'Argenio

The top five WTF moments of 2009 are in a class all their own. The lack of giant squid in Watchmen, or the cannibalistic tendencies of District 9 may have made us snicker under our breath and make snarky comments in our reviews, the following movie moments practically knocked us out of our seats. From the nonsensical to the nonsensical and slightly racist, we couldn’t believe that any of these scenes or plot elements could manage to make a final movie cut. Take a look at the things that really made us say “What … The … Fuck?!?” last year.

5. Angels & Demons — Anti-Matter Bomb

As much as we like making fun of The Da Vinci Code and every movie related to it, we were all fans of the Dan Brown novels at some point. Unfortunately, that just makes this WTF moment twice as WTF worthy. Dan Brown’s novels have always been based in reality, at least to some extent. Sure his conspiracy theories are pretty convoluted, but you always got the feeling that this could be plausible. Then, Angels & Demons happened, and Tom Hanks had to protect the world, as we know it, from an anti-matter bomb. I’ll say that again … an anti-matter bomb! Someone stuck his or her sci-fi penis right into this conspiracy thriller pie. It astounded us that they literally couldn’t think of anything better. There are so many dues ex machinas that could have been thrown at us, and the best they could come up with is some sci-fi mumbo jumbo about a tiny little vial that destroys everything if it is cracked. That’s not how it works people! For the last time, the Large Hadron Collider will not destroy the world! It will just sit there, make some noise, give us some nifty scientific data, and provide a great backdrop for geek related pornography. We sure hope Tom Hanks fights the Vatican with a laser sword in the next movie because that would be just as plausible.

4. Avatar — Giant Robot Knife Fight

We said this in our review and we will say it again. What possible purpose is there to give a giant robot a knife? What genius engineer said “you know what will make this giant robot slightly more threatening? An over-sized knife! Yeah we should do that! … Le sigh… Giant sized guns? We get that. A blade or chainsaw built in to the robots frame? We also get that. A giant knife in a giant pocket on the giant robot? We just don’t get that. It seems like there is no reason for that other than to have an epic giant robot knife fight at the end of the movie. If James Cameron really wanted to make Avatar believable, he would have been better off letting the giant robot fight with his fists. At the forces the Amp Suits were working with, fighting with a knife is almost equivalent to fighting with your fists anyway, but no. No, we get the Amp Suit Knife, the most useless giant robot weapon ever. When we saw the Colonel pull the giant robot knife in the climactic battle and handle it as if he were in an old school street fight, we couldn’t help but burst into laughter. We know you wanted to go old fashioned Cameron, but at least give us a viro-blade or something, or hell, at least give the Amp Suit a button that makes it say “Ima cut you bitch!” That would be really realistic.

3. Terminator Salvation — Terminators With USB Ports

In Terminator Salvation, John Connor, who now talks like Batman, finds a code that allows him to shut down terminators. How does he administer this code? Well, it’s simple. You see he just plugs a thumb drive into the terminator’s USB port and … wait what?! No fooling, the terminators in Terminator Salvation had USB like devices that the resistance could plug in to, which they could use to either shut them down or control them. Didn’t SkyNet build the terminators? What possible use did robots who already communicate wirelessly (Bluetooth, gotta love it) have for USB ports? Were they uploading their iTunes play list directly into their brains!?! Poor problem solving skills SkyNet! OK, so even if this is not USB technology as we know it, the idea that any resistance member can plug in a thumb drive into a terminator makes the terminators themselves a whole lot less threatening. We liked them better when they didn’t have USB ports, and crushed things with their bare metallic fists, and governed California.

2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen — Yo, Yo, Yo, its Skidz, and Mudflap Homie G!!!

We, as a society, have come so far. We are far more enlightened now than we were just a few years ago. We, as a people, have begun to look beyond race and ethnicity to see people for who they really are, regardless of the color of their skin. We have begun to phase offensive stereotypes out of our minds and our media. It’s not like anyone could ever get away with making two characters with bucked gold teeth, who talk in heavy urban slang all the time. Right? That wouldn’t reinforce a negative stereotype would it? Right? If it did happen, people would probably get upset about that. Right? Really… I have nothing more to say about this, because there is no way that we as a soceity would ever let something like this happen.

1. Dragonball: Evolution — Pretty Much the Whole Damn Movie

Finally… we get to this, unfathomably horrible piece of shit. Ho-ly-crap. We wanted to pick one specific scene from Dragonball: Evolution to say WTF to, but we couldn’t, we really couldn’t. We tried watching this movie sober, drunk, with Yakety Sax playing in the background, and much much more, but nothing, NOTHING could redeem this movie. It took everything bad about anime, the power up scenes, the convoluted plot lines, the tendency to yell your attacks before doing them, and added everything bad about American cinema including emo kids, cheesy special effects, and an unfathomably pretty Twilight-esque protagonist. Nothing about this movie is even slightly reminiscent of the series it was based on. Characters don’t look anything like their anime counterparts, battles are wholly anti-climactic, and why the piss fuck is Goku in high school? Why! You think we couldn’t identify with an all powerful alien who vowed to protect the earth? You think we needed Edward Cullen all over again! This movie appealed to no one. To NO ONE! Box office numbers for this movie were abysmal! Movie fans didn’t like it, action fans didn’t like it, kids didn’t like it, hell even hardcore fans of the original anime didn’t like it, and yet somehow … SOMEHOW … this movie is getting a sequel. WHAT THE FUCK!?!

Read The Top 10 WTF Movie Moments 10-6

6 responses to The Top Ten WTF Movie Moments of 2009 (5 – 1)

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charbo187

dude, antimatter is not sci-fi mumbo jumbo. it is definitely very real. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antimatter

GuruOfReason

Co-sign with charbo187. Antimatter is real, and would make the ultimate if we are able to manufacture enough of it.

Angelo D'Argenio

Yes, I’m aware that anti-matter is real.

1. The Large Hadron Collider does not create it.
2. For a book steeped in religious “realism” with no technology greater than our current day standard, using an anti-matter bomb seems entirely out of character.
3. Anti-matter cannot be contained via a magnetic field, or at least any magnetic field we can currently generate.
4. The Vatican could have just as easily been blown up by a Nuke.

rob

i reckon transformers with testicles is more WTF than the racial stereotrypes

mcbi30

Enter Your Comment
You know, for some reason when I was watching Avatar, I totally let the knife slide. Giant robot pulled out a knife, and my brain just said “yeah, OK, of course, he has a knife, and now they’re gonna fight. Makes perfect sense.” James Cameron’s lesson: If you can distract your audience with incredible 3D, you can let your giant robots have ridiculous knife fights.

miky333

Actually, no, nothing other than antimater would have fit the plot of the story. The whole theme of the movie\novel is the relationship between science and religion and the very real ways in which science is accomplishing things that were once thought to be the work of devine power, and were once considered impossible for any force except God to accomplish. Now, suddenly, the one thing that has always, always, been assumed to be the work of a higher power, creation, has been scientifically proven to be possible by man. The LHC isn’t intended to do it, that’s true, but it’s possible that it, or a technology like it, could in the near future. And it’s important to note that the creater of the antimatter in the story was a religious man who believed that by proving genesis to be scientifically possible he was proving God to be real. Pivotal questions are then raised. Are we gods if we wield that power? What use is The God to us, if he has no power that we don’t have ourselves. Is it blasphemy? Is it coinscidence that by mastering creation we are also unleahing the greatest force of destruction ever witnessed (aka, an antimatter explosion)? Using a nuke in the story would not have accomplished any of these points, or raised any of these questions. Dan Brown and the film producers were right to go this route.