Top Tube Picks: Sharktopus Owns You!

Share on Facebook posted 02-18-10 by Max Tedaldi

Everyone loves shark movies. Everyone! So it should come as no surprise that SyFy has finally, after a completely unnecessary delay, greenlit their latest original movie Sharktopus. I dare you to think of a more destructive, universe-crushing juggernaut, than a tube of teeth and slimy tentacles. Karen O’Hara and Roger Corman are attached to this project which only intensifies out curiosity and fervor for this sure to be cult treasure. Corman is the king of cult classics, the cardinal of camp, the bishop of B, he’s the guy behind household name films like Supergator, Dinocroc, Dinoshark, Inhumanoid, and Bloodfist I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VIII and Bloodfist 2050. If you haven’t seen any of the Bloodfist series you really only need to ask yourself one question: Why have you not seen a film, let alone one with eight sequels, that has the word bloodfist in it? And you call yourself an action enthusiast? Shame.

Miss O’hara, through a series of tweets, alerted disaster film mavin’s the world over about the Sharktopus project that is currently set in motion:

Spent half am hour discussing what a sharktopus should look like, how many mouths it should have and how it should kill. That’s my job!

11:42 AM Feb 10th from web

Just got off the phone with the legendary Roger Corman who’s doing a new movie for us this year. Yes, it’s the long-rumored SHARKTOPUS!

11:41 AM Feb 10th from web

So – if you were making a movie called SHARKTOPUS – half shark, half octopus – what cool stunts would you like to see the creature do?

1:01 PM Jan 11th from web

If these tweets don’t get you pee-your-pants excited you probably spent this past weekend at a Valentine’s Day – Valentine’s Day Double Feature, so I hope you enjoyed your fill of sentimental, ashton-kutcher filled crap. I particularly like the part about “how many mouths a sharktopus should have”. I think the correct answer to this is more than one, but beyond that is probably just a question of personal taste.

Shark movies have been overdone to the point of exhaustion. They run the gamut from massive blockbusters, Jaws, to films that are so horribly bad that they become good again, Shark Attack 3. The Octopus film has also been executed to similar effect. For every 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea there is an Octopus 2: River of Fear. The shark and the octopus have even come together for the critics darling of a film Mega-Shark VS Giant Octopus, but never before have the two species got it on to form the nightmarish hybid of death, Sharktopus.

Needless to say it’s pretty obvious that my excitement about this film has pervaded my every thought and subconscious revenge fantasy (seriously, would it not be just the greatest to sick a sharktopus on your most reviled nemesis). It’s also got me curious about other ridiculous fusion animals. So I did some research and found some of the best genetic freak combinations in the fictional universe.

Dog + Dragon = Falcor from The Neverending Story

He’s the luck dragon that you always wished was your chariot. Watching The Neverending Story as a a five-year-old I can tell you without embarrassment that falcor scared the shit out of me. Sure he was friendly and had a penchant for getting his ears rubbed, but that was the only thing canine about him. For the most part he just roared and looked scary. Looking back, I may have been overreacting, but let’s be honest, having exceptional luck is a really bad-ass power, and it comes attached to your own personal dragon chauffeur. His catchprase, “with luck!” gets a little bothersome after a while, but are you really going to argue about semantics with a dragon.

Jackrabbit + Antelope = Jackelope from Boundin’

Bound, bound, bound and rebound. I had to include the inspirational tale of the jackelope in here. The jackelope sure gives a good pep talk, but I suppose I would expect nothing less from an animal who has the kind of confidence that only comes from being one of a kind. Juvenile but fun!

Hare + Falcon + Buck + Vampire Bat = Wolpertinger from WoW

The Wolpertinger is a companion critter from within the World of Warcraft. You can only get one by buying his tankard at Brewfest, and you can only see other players Wolderinger’s if you are drunk, which coincidentally, is the only time you would really ever want to see one these fugly rodents.

Goat + Crocodile = Chupacabra from Chupacabra Terror and Chupacabra: Dark Seas

Chupacabra has been called the big foot of latino culture, and its name literally means “goat sucker”. Legend tells of a reptilian goat-like creature who preys on the sheep of South American farmers. I’d be lying if I said that I found the myth of the Chupacabra intimidating, but I’d also be lying if I said that I didn’t find this trailer silly and amazing. This is the legend that couldn’t be told in only one movie.

Man + Mosquito = Mansquito from Mansquito

Mansquito makes The Fly look like a ladybug.

Bear + Sumo-wrestler = Snorlax from Pokemon

Snorlax owns in the Pokemon movie. If you think that Snorlax can’t carry ten other Pokemon at once you’re wrong. If you think that everyone would be screwed without Snorlax you’re absolutely right. Snorlax owns you and every myth dragon that ever existed. Snorlax owns!