Top Tube Picks: Steven Seagal: Lawman – Celebrities Who Need Their Own Show » 30ninjas

Top Tube Picks: Steven Seagal: Lawman – Celebrities Who Need Their Own Show

Share on Facebook posted 02-19-10 by Max Tedaldi

For those of you who were not entranced by Steven Seagal’s dynamic and arm-breaking preformance in Under Siege, and have not been watching Steven Seagal: Lawman you are missing one of the defining moments in not only reality television, but all of television. The vision behind this show is that Steven Seagal, known for breaking more limbs than any other martial arts movie-star, is actually a deputy for the Jefferson County Parrish Police Department. What?! No this is not some sort of twisted, demented episode of the Twilight Zone, though to be fair, what episode of the Twilight Zone wasn’t twisted and/or demented. This is real-life.

Steven Seagal: Lawman, which airs on A&E was just renewed for a second season. Whew!! Thank God! I don’t even want to think about what would happen to the world we live in if we didn’t have weekly installments of the pony-tailed one snapping bones and crushing face in the name of the law. The truth is, Steven Seagal is much more tame in real-life than he was in any of his classic B films. He’s actually pretty funny, which is a good thing because he definitely skimps on the rifting of radii. If you couldn’t tell, I’m a little disappointed about the lack of arm snapping in this show. What better reason is there to watch a Steven Seagal film than the eager anticipation of knowing that our protagonist is, without a doubt, going to incapacitate some pathetic pawn with a well-timed bone snap? It’ just so satisfying! As a man of the law, Steven does more testing for DUI’s than he does for bone flexibility. But that’s OK, it’s entertaining enough to see a weathered Seagal as a cop in real-life.

Lawman brings a new element to the reality television genre. Sure there are shows that blur the line between reality show and scripted sitcom/drama. Shows like The Hills and The Real World are supposedly reality television but I’d like to give the audience a little bit of credit and acknowledge that most of us know that these shows are scripted, rigorously edited, and re-shot. But Steven Seagal: Lawman is a completely different sort of beast. In watching this show I have lost any orientation I may have once had about reality television. Is this real, fake, or somewhere in between? I think the answer is that it doesn’t really matter. Just the possibility that the character that Steven Seagal played in all of his films was actually the real Steven is more than enough. It’s just too good to be true! Maybe there was a reason that Mr Seagal was type-cast as the gruff, smooth-talking, karate-chopping lawman, because that is him. He is Nico from Above the Law. He is Casey from Under Siege.

Actors often make a big deal about being type-cast, like it is some sort of curse. Do they think that a big hollywood paycheck is somehow cheapened by playing the same character over and over again. The common conception is that an actor rises to fame in a film and then gets dozens of offers play a similar character because it’s obvious that the actor can handle the role. This process repeats itself until an actor finds himself pigeon-holed. But what if this isn’t what actually happens? What if an actor being type-cast isn’t a function of bad luck, timing, and willingness to starve one’s desire to push the envelope all in the interest of a paycheck, and it’s actually the actor’s real-life that we’re seeing on the screen. Who’s life would you want to see? The possibilities are endless, but here is a short collection of the actor’s we think should come out with their own personal versions of Steven Seagal: Lawman.

Chuck Norris

I see this show as a kind of Mythbusters spin-off. It would involved Chuck going around and proving (I can’t imagine that there would be a whole lot of disproving) all of the rumors about his life. For instance, Chuck Norris doesn’t have a chin underneath his beard, all he has in another fist. There would be some glorious fights versus MMA champions, and most likely some beasts of prey, like bears. Would this show be a biographical portrait or a work of science-fiction? The world would never know.

Jean-Claude Van Damme

The truth about JCVD is that his martial arts training is underwhelming compared to his body building success. He made it big in films because of his flexibility and propensity for doing splits and kicks at completely inappropriate times. Don’t get me wrong I think that Jean -Claude is an amazing dancer and I wouldn’t trade watching him gyrate and split for anything. Interestingly enough, Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat was modeled after “The Muscles From Brussels” which would explain his willingness to do a split and punch his opponents in the nuts. I see this show as half martial arts show, half aerobics workout infomercial. If this video is any indicator of JCVD’s dancing ability we could also expect an appearance on Dancing With the Stars.

Jason Statham

Statham was a personal hero of mine in movies like The Transporter and Crank. The level of unabashed ridiculousness of any of his films, locks Statham into the role of bad-ass Brit looking for revenge. He’s made a name for himself by doing almost all of his own stunts and ripping apart all those who oppose him. In most of his films Statham plays a driver who must use his commuting skills to save his life. It’s through watching movies like The Transporter, Death Race, and The Italian Job, that I imagine Statham’s reality show to be a combination of Driving Miss Daisy, and Snatch. Sure, there would be bloody mayhem, violence and amazing chase scenes, but there would also be touching and emotionally poignant moments where we all learned a little something from our friendly neighborhood chauffeur.

Morgan Freeman

The voice of God!! Seriously though, Morgan has a voice that can only be described and dark bitter-sweet chocolate that has been enveloped in smooth luscious peanut-butter. It comforts you while simultaneously enhancing your craving for a Reese’s Cup. It’s Mr. Freeman’s distinctive and distinguished voice that has gotten him cast as the wise, trust-worthy advisor all too many times. Any time that he has tried to deviate from the formula he comes across as an impostor. Have you ever seen Wanted? The movie begins as we all expect, with Morgan as the wise leader of an elite group of assassins, but at the end of the film he tries to get his Samuel L Jackson on, and the results are mother fuckin’ disastrous! I imagine this show as a sort of road-movie with Mr. Freeman as the voice of the navigation system. Dont’ believe that it can work? Guess again.

Jackie Chan

The ultra-satisfying mix of martial arts and humor has always been Jackie’s calling card. This may have begun with his role in The Legend of Drunken Master but I don’t think that it achieved complete perfection until his turn in the Rush Hour trilogy. If you haven’t seen LoDM this is a must see. Watching anyone fight while they are drunk is peak entertainment but watching someone who can’t fight well unless they are drunk verges on complete transcendence. Jackie is at his best when he is playing the unassuming secret agent babysitter or the bumbling chaffeur who inherits a technologically advanced tuxedo, OK just kidding about that last one. Still, I think that Jackie would be great on a show modeled after The Amazing Race. How great would it be to see Jackie Chan travel race across the world while performing acrobatic fears of daring and danger. Wait . . . wasn’t he already in Around the World in 80 Days, perfect.

Tom Cruise

Watching Tom Cruise laugh and smirk his way through all him films has always made me wonder if that is what he’s actually like in real life. With the exception of a few notable films, Magnolia and Legend included, Tom Cruise always seems to play . . . well . . . Tom Cruise. He’s intense, deeply religious, and excited about life in general. Tom should really have his own religious talk show where he can harness all of his Orpah jumping exuberance with his dedication to Scientology.

Samuel L Jackson

The acronym BAMF was invented for this dude. Who can’t envision Samuel L as a vigilante detective doing what he wants when he wants to do it, with no actual credentials or purpose other than telling everyone he meets that they are rampant mother fuckin’ assholes. There should probably be some snakes involved somewhere in this project too.