Human resurrection is a tricky subject. Lots of things can go wrong and the end result isn’t always what you were expecting. Before any amateur alchemist, starts injecting, stitching, and incantating, it’s important to do a little bit of research. “There is no better way to learn than by watching the failures of others”, I’m pretty sure that someone famous once said that, and there is no better place to see people fail at bringing people back to life than the movies. Hopefully I can share some of what I have learned through film about bringing people back to life.

Strange Eating Habits

Re-Animator

The thing that has always bothered me about vegetarians is not their failure of culinary choice but their need to impose their own “righteous” choices upon others. If you are looking for some well-deserved revenge why not try bringing a deceased vegetarian back from the dead. I can just about guarantee you that the undead in question will awaken with some preternatural disposition towards human flesh. Who knows exactly what changed in the short time between death and resurrection? But something about vacationing in the after-life lends its self towards a homo sapien hunger. But things are not always as PG as getting your mandible munched on as seen in this clip from Re-Animator. This clip still has me saying, “wait, what?! Noooooo.”

Lesson Learned: When re-animating the dead make sure you have some carnivorous meals or at the very least snacks awaiting them upon revival.

Some Things Are Better Left Dead

Pet Cemetery

It’s usually fine for animals to be brought back from the dead, but human revival is a huge faux-pas. The temptation to bring one’s dead son back to life is usually a strong one, hell, it worked wonders on Mittens. But let’s get one thing straight, humans are not animals and what may restore a cat to its former sassy LOL self, is not going to work on Junior. What is brought back is not human, it is a demonic spirit trapped within a human body. Prepare accordingly.

Lesson Learned: If you’re going to play God, be prepared to grant life as well as take it away.

God Complex

Frankenstein

This brings me to my next point. Bringing people back to life has a tendency to inflate one’s ego. So, you brought someone back from the dead? Good for you! Bake yourself some cookies, maybe throw yourself an impromptu parade, you can even fashion yourself a gold medal to acknowledge your admirable accomplishment. If you don’t pat yourself on the back who else is going to do it? It certainly won’t be the abomination that you just created who is considerably pissed about being removed from his peaceful respite in the afterlife.

Lesson Learned: Ditch the ego and grab some weapons!

It’s Kind of Pricey

Full Metal Alchemist

When Alphonse and Edward Elric attempt to bring their mother back from the dead with the power of alchemy they forget one little thing: “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost…”. What they end up bringing back is something that resembles their mother but without her soul (obviously). In exchange for the life that they have taken to the world of the living Alphonse has his soul ripped from his body and placed in a suit of armor and Edward loses an arm and a leg (insert bad pun here) Yikes! The transition from death to life is not one without collateral damage of some sort, and sometimes the price that you must pay is your own life.

Lesson Learned : If you’re looking for a bargain there is a CostCo down the street.

Unlimited Cosmic Powers

The Mummy

In his former life Imhotep was a priest, but upon his rise from the dead he is imbued with the power of the plagues, and a real bad case of the Mondays. Throughout your subject’s journey through the afterlife he has been hanging out with spirits, demons, angels, gods and devils and chances are he has picked up some tricks along the way. You can rest assured that your undead friend will be using his powers for evil and not to grant your level 60 paladin puppy super cuddling ability.

Lesson Learned: If things get messy don’t be afraid to say, “screw it” and just bail.

Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Dead Cold

The Crow

When Eric is shot in the head and paralyzed by a ruthless gang, he is forced to watch his girlfriend get brutally beaten and raped as he slowly dies. One might be inclined to think that being resurrected by a symbol of death, a crow, would allow Eric to let bygones be bygones and move on with his half-life. Instead, Eric goes on a rampage fueled by the methodological killings of his former murderers. Needless to say he is none too pleased about the gangs former actions and he reprimands them appropriately.

Lesson Learned: Be nice! You never know …

The Power of a Kiss

The Matrix

To date, the only proven technique to successfully revive someone from death is not achieved by years of scientific meddling or a glowing reagent. It is accomplished by puckering up and laying down a true love smootch. It works every time! One little peck by Trinity and Neo was disabling bullets, winning kung fu battles without breaking a sweat, and exploding Agent Smith from the inside. Who says resurrection can’t have a happy ending? For additional examples see just about every Disney movie ever made.

Lesson Learned: Don’t forget the chapstick!

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