Why Would They Ever Make This Movie?

Share on Facebook posted 04-06-09 by Angelo D'Argenio

OK, so I know we are an action website, and when it comes to movies outside the action genre the normal take is “it better be a blockbuster or don’t even bother,” but sometimes I see an upcoming release that looks so profoundly bad, so profoundly without purpose, direction, or quality, that I just have to ask, “Why would they ever make this movie?” Elsewhere on this site, we have brought you the April releases you should see, and the April releases that fit the action genre but that you probably shouldn’t see. Now it’s time to bring you the April releases that you should try your hardest to burn in a gigantic ritualistic bonfire if you get the opportunity. Here are April’s crimes against God.

Observe and Report

Let’s start with the least awful of the bunch. OK, I understand that after Zack and Mirri Make A Porno, people are dying to see Seth Rogen in just about any role, but this is starting to stretch it. We just endured the release of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Do we really need another movie about another mall cop so soon? Are “Mall Cop Movies” really the next big thing? I mean, the concept of Blart was amusing enough, I guess, but jeez, guys, I think we can do without Mall Cop Copycats. The reason I say this movie is “least awful” is that Rogen is a decent actor, and the movie, about a mall security guy trying to catch a flasher to save his retarded girlfriend, might actually be kind of funny. It’s the concept of “another mall cop movie” that I steadfastly object to, and you should too.

Hannah Montana: The Movie

I actually like most Disney films, but can I just tell you how much I hate Hannah Montana? I’m pretty much a kid at heart, so whenever we see another Ice Age, or a remake of Aladdin, I’m right there, but something about Hannah Montana (along with her partner in crime, High School Musical) makes me want to go down to Disney World and drench the Magic Kingdom with napalm. Maybe it’s the fact that she has an absolutely needless Superman complex, in that on stage, she is blonde and thus a superstar, but in her normal life she is brunette and thus just a mild-mannered kid (who nobody can recognize via facial features or other obvious distinguishing characteristics). Or maybe it’s simply her buck teeth and the fact that she is related in any way shape or form to Billy Ray Cyrus (way to stomp on the name of a good singer!) that makes me want to stab her with her microphone. Now she has a movie deal! Great… someone kill me now before she starts singing “best of both worlds,” a tune about, yes, having a secret identity!

Dragonball Evolution

I know I included this clunker on another of this site’s lists of movies to give a wide berth, but this one promises to be just so ludicrously awful that I had to mention it twice. Indeed, it’s sure to be the worst bomb to hit Japan since… OK, well, that joke is just a little tasteless, but you can see where I’m going with it.